MADNESS & MAYHEM

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Dear Future Me,

If you’re lucky to exist

I hope this letter will remind you to use your pen and not your fists

I hope you eased up on the bottle and made a few amends

I hope there's one forgiving soul who still calls you a friend

I wonder if the world still bends for you with benefit of doubt

Or if somebody called your bluff and your luck finally ran out

Maybe you learned to pick your battles

instead of always being mad

I wonder which ones you picked and what the hell happened

I hope you finally learned that giving in isn’t giving up

And that if you take the high road, you aren’t any bit less tough

I pray you finally found a place that you can love and call a home

‘Cause if you never put your roots down, nothing ever grows

I hope you learned to love yourself, and even someone else

And that you gave yourself some time to act a little selfish

I know it pains you to talk about these things so candidly

I know it hurts you even more to be hearing them from me

I wish that I could see the future, and warn you in advance

I hope this letter gets to you in time to be your second chance.

Sincerely,

Me

Botox my brain; erase the pain

Trade my bleeding heart for silicone parts

Nip and tuck me

Liposuck me

Drain me of regret

I wanna be better than me

I wanna be perfect

Manicure my jagged edges

Conceal all of my imperfections

Scrub my record clean

Fluff and fold my dirty deeds

Make-up my mind

Undress my soul

I want to be pretty

I want to be whole

I don’t mind the voices

So long as they are mine

Let them run like wild horses

all throughout my mind

Many years of missing tears

Fearless, numb and silent

But I exist in every moment

I am nothing without time

Weaving past and present 

Seeking pieces of my fate

Unsure of who I might have been 

without these pills I take

Met a dealer in Vegas once

with an keen ear to the ground

"A player learns by losing turns", she said

Not the other way around

Fists are where my hands once were

Should I ever fail with words

For I am no stranger to a ruse

And know how to incite a bruise

When the devil himself invites me in

Could I truly find myself lost again

Through doors that far exceed my threshold

I become both weak and bold

Unfit for grooming

Wild and unruly

An insubordinate who speaks too much

A feminist at a motorcycle club

I drank and I laughed

But then, stood up

Hear this (my twisted notion of fun)

I throw my hands up

To speak my mind 

It's not for lack of trying

That I've avoided dying

But all the leather and steel in the world

Couldn't keep me quiet

Every soul’s a day old to the devil that lost the deal